Wishlist

I want love.
I want pain.
I want space and I want closeness.
I want intimacy and I want mystery.
I want Romantic ideals and Gothic aesthetics.
I want colours.
I want freedom and I want restraint.
I want clean air.
I want to breathe.
I want to lose myself and I want to find myself.
I want stability and I want spontaneity.
I want discovery and I want wonder.
I want beauty.
I want silence.
I want sound and I want movement.
I want stillness.
I want complexity and I want simplicity.
I want misty rain and wet city streets at night.
I want the living and I want the dead.
I want memory and I want oblivion.
I want to create and I want to destroy.
I want heartbreak and I want healing.
I want fragility and I want resilience.
I want sleep.
I want dreams.
I want good things and bad things, joyous things and sad things.
I want to slip away
I want not to want.

But what I need is time.
And hope.

A forgetting room

I want to forget you.
I want to forget the way I wanted you.
I want to forget how you turned my head inside out.
I want to forget the way you cut me down and bled me dry but left no visible wounds.
I want to forget waking up afraid.
I want to forget not daring to speak my mind.
I want to forget rescuing you constantly.
I want to forget how many friends I lost.
I want to forget how you fuelled my insecurities.
I want to forget how unworthy I felt, how worthless.
I want to forget how my problems were always framed in the context of how they affected you.
I want to forget your selfishness.
I want to forget how you tore me down because you could not lift yourself up any other way.
I want to forget my broken heart.
I want to forget the futures planned now forever out of reach.
I want to forget your false compassion.
I want to forget my foolishness in believing you were different.
I want to forget that I felt you were worth being honest.
I want to forget that you swore you would not judge me, only to do just that.
I want to forget that I thought you were my friend.

I want to let you go, because you have weighed me down for far too long.
This is the end.
This is the last thing you will ever get from me.

I will forge an oubliette just for you.
I will banish you there and take back all the power you took from me, claimed from me when I was too weak to claim it for myself.
I will seize what is mine and damn the rest of you to obscurity.